Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.