Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You Might Also Like
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.