Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door