Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

so i’m at the stock market right

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

That eye roll….

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

become ungovernable

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?