Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Grandmother clock.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life