Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender