Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*