Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.