Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
