Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
