Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

ㅤ

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck: