Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’