Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
an airline just for babies.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
This one’s “Alex”.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen