Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
dogs can find happiness so easily
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
when u come home smelling like another dog
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?