Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.