Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment