help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
This kid is a star!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!