Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.