Help Wanted
You Might Also Like
Hard not to take this personally
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*