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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.


I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store


Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?


Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.


I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle


Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.


Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.