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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.


There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.


Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.


Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied


me: [using doggie poop bag at park]

stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once

me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it

stranger: what’s your dog’s name

me: dog?


What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.


My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…


I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25