@brendohare

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@caseytduncan

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

@porksodachop

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

@peteec

Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.

@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.