[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
How to draw a duck
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?