Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.