Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand