“HELP WITH CAT”
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Good morning
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)