“HELP WITH CAT”
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
me to God
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.