Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES