Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Couple goals

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

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The Chosen Phew

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*