Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.