Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Spider-cat: No One Home

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman