Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.