Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.