“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Who’s drunk
*raises leg