“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Every. Damn. Time.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.