Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?