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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “