Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
(Musicians.)
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.