Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

also my go-to takeaway order

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

wow

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.