Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.