Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
This rocks
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.