Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I am also baked goods
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.