Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
