Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
