Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Looks like it’s time to find a friend with benefits*
*backyard chickens
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Roses are red
Violets are blue
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”