Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…