Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.