Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.