Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
