Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
my favorite genre of twitter
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.