Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.