Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*aggressively waits in line*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.