me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
ugh not again
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
my first day as a raccoon
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone