Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**