Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
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what does he know…
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus