Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
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Truth
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.