Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.