Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Print is alive and well!!!

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

This is a sub tweet

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

😭

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl