Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self