Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

I like crazy people until they notice me

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.