Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die