Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
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The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.