Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Something Saturday.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything