this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[helping my only child do homework]
5: can you help?
Me: I’m awful with numbers
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!” Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. ” I’m not doing butt stuff, Adam.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready