Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too