*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day