Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

japanese corn

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.