Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.