Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Well well well…

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now