Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?