[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Harsh but fair
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
A customer told me they were never coming back….
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
…..pretty much.
