Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

life lately

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.