Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words