Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
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My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”
Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers