@iwearaonesie

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

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@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@why_vann

My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming

@Mirimade

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

@Landon_TSNTL

The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.

@ChaseMit

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

@SteveKoehler22

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.