Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”