Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?